Your personality is fluid

Personality is not really a thing.

Or at least not the thing we think it is.

Most of us think our personalities are fixed, a set of permanent traits that we either celebrate or compensate for.

This is a misunderstanding.

Your personality is not permanent. It is a collection of habituated states—repeated ways of being that get solidified through the stories you tell.

Here are some statements I hear a lot (from clients, people in my life, and/or my own brain):

• That’s the way I am.

• I’m not like that.

• This is just me.

• I could never __________.

• I don’t __________.

• I can’t __________.

• I’m someone who __________.

• I wish I was more __________.

• I’m not good at __________.

• I’m __________.

Statements like these, whether you think or verbalize them, can feel like self-awareness or even self-acceptance. But they’re usually grounded in judgement and the limiting belief that you’re stuck with your personality for life.

If there are aspects of your personality that are working for you, great. Keep practicing those states for as long as they’re supportive.

Same goes for the aspects of your personality you wish were different. You can choose to break the habit of practicing these states.

This may be a helpful reminder: State rhymes with trait.

To change your personality traits, spend more time in the states that reflect those traits.

If you want to be more outgoing, put yourself in more situations that reward extroversion.

If you want to be more risk tolerant, try more new things to familiarize yourself with the feeling of being a beginner.

If you want to be more generous, find small ways to give something away (tip an extra 5%, donate to Goodwill, spend an hour a week volunteering).

Strike up enough conversations, run enough experiments, and offer enough smiles to strangers, and suddenly your introverted, risk-averse, stingy “personality” starts looking pretty malleable.

This is not a new idea.

Act as if.
Fake it till you make it.
Form identity-based habits.

All wise counsel.

I like states equal traits because it rhymes.

The point is, the Story of You is still being written. I invite you to try thinking about the chapters of your life as a series of state changes.

What aspects of your personality will support you in creating your next chapter?

What personality traits are you ready to turn the page on?

What state change do you need to make?